Thursday, March 15, 2012

How Do You Fight For Your Marriage?

Marriage is hard

You've probably heard me say something along those lines before. Not to whine. But because it's true! Anyone that says differently is straight up lying! :) 

This April, my husband and I will celebrate 8 years of marriage. I often wonder though...if we were able to count up all the good days and all the bad days, would the good days outnumber the yucky ones? I hope so! 

Chris and I are what I'd call a typical couple. We fight about money, sex, in-laws, parenting...all the biggies.

But we also have a crazy side that creates arguments when we don't need them, because we have very silly, competitive personalities. I mean ridiculous, silly, like...who can beat the level the fastest on my six year old's Sonic race game. Ridiculous like...who is correct about penguins. Do they have wings or flippers? 

Crazy stuff people! Things that shouldn't matter! (In our defense, this silly side also provides us with an abundance of fall-on-the-floor-pee-my-pants-I'm-laughing-so-hard moments too.) 

Nevertheless, we have been struggling lately in our communication and with the prompting of both of our families decided to try marriage counseling. We drug our feet because the idea of sitting on a couch and telling our deepest secrets to a complete stranger just doesn't feel comfortable somehow. Call me crazy, but not my idea of a good time.

But we went. And it was awkward at first. And I cried and I HATE to cry! But it was also really, really good! I left feeling like I was fighting for our relationship. Fighting to find solutions in areas where we need improvement. And that fighting-feeling is much better than muddling through day by day on our own. 

Especially considering these jaw-dropping statistics about marriage. 
  • 49% of marriages end up in divorce
  • First marriages end up in divorce around/just under the 8 year mark
  • 60% of divorces involve people ages 25-39
I pray every day that we won't be part of those statistics. I pray that you won't either. But the other half of avoiding those numbers is work. Do the work! (My new favorite life saying...for marriage, writing, anything!) 

So share with me: Does marriage sometimes feel difficult to you too? How do you fight/work for your marriage? Have you or would you ever try counseling? And for crying out loud, wings or flippers people?? 


  1. Marriage is work. That's why so many people end it. It's hard. But it's worth it! We compete all the time. I can't tell you how often DH will look something up on his phone to prove I'm wrong. And those are times we laugh, ok, I laugh b/c I'm right. LOL

    The key is prayer. Alone and together. The BEST book on marriage, one my DH uses when doing marriage counseling and we use in pre-marital counseling, is Marriage on the Rock.

    Read it together. Email me later if you want.

    Counseling is good!!! Wings!

  2. Gwynly and I will celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary at the end of this year. We've had some wonderful times during our years together, but we've had some really rough ones. The two years after his father died were horrendous. We had a messy trust to settle, and the stress was intense.

    Knowing how valuable counseling can be, I suggested we see a Christian psychologist. Talk about helpful. Wow! We learned so much about ourselves and each other. We're much closer today as a result of those lessons. Not that we don't have problems. We do, but we have tools we didn't possess before, and they really help.

    I wish you and your husband well as you work on your relationship and trust that you'll grow stronger individually and as a couple. I admire your willingness to make your marriage a priority and seek help. May the Lord bless you as He draws you closer together and closer to Him.

  3. We've been married 12 years and I hear ya. My man and I work at it! Lately we've had to deal with a lot of outside sources working to weaken our bond. It's sad to watch. But we're aware and we are putting in even more effort b/c of it.

    Great post. I'm rooting for your marriage!
    ~ Wendy

  4. All marriages have ups and downs.

    I'm glad to hear that you are seeking help. That's a huge step and commitment! Marriage is a gift...a real blessing.

    Twenty years from now, you will look back on this difficult time period, and you'll be glad you stuck it through and did the work!

    I'll be praying for you.

  5. Brian and I are coming up on our 11 year anniversary in May. It sounds like my marriage and yours are a lot alike! (Why am I not surprised??) Brian and I don't usually fight about money, which I understand is the #1 source of problems for most people. We've both accepted that we don't have any, so we're good. lol. Our fights are usually about his family. It's been hard and even after 11 years, I still have a hard time accepting that his crazy people are not going to change. :) We used to fight a lot about his cat (came with the marriage) but it's been peaceful on that front for about 4 years--since the cat died. A lot of our fights have really been about me realizing that I can't be both the woman and the man in our relationship-- I gotta back off and let him be the head of our family. Biblical submission is something that's a daily struggle for me.

    And we are crazy competitive, too. I think a little of that is healthy. :)

    You are so right, Lacie. Marriage is hard. It's not magical. It's not perfect. And too many people go into it with the idea of "well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just split up."

    My brother-in-law is currently going through a very sudden, very unexpected divorce. He's a pastor. No one saw this coming--not even him. What's really difficult is when one person wants to work on the marriage and the other doesn't.

    Jessica is right-- prayer is so important. Coming together as One in Christ is what keeps you grounded.

    Praying for you, lady!

  6. Thank you for all the sweet comments and prayers! I hope you all feel them coming back at you and your marriages! Love you all! :)

  7. Marriage is indeed hard. It takes a lot of work, mainly because there are a lot of differences to overcome. First off is gender; men are really different from women. Second, there’s your background – how your parents raised you, what are your beliefs in life, etc. My wife and I talk it out, with open ears and open minds, after having some time to cool off. And since wings are for flying, I would say flippers, definitely flippers. ; )

    - Tyler Goodwin


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